she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
