Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
