Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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