Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
