I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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