Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
