I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
