my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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