I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
porn star boner night. come get it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
