just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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