She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
