so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
