I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
