if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
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Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize