I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think i have herpe
just one?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
