I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
