the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
