Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
