Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.