fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me