where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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