I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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