I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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