As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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