nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
