wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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