cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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