her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
