He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
