He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
