Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
