Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
