do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
