I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
