please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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