I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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