No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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