Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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