Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
false alarm, still single
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
