Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
