pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
