Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You need a sexual gate keeper
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
