You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
