My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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