she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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