you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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