You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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