why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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