I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
