I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think your dad took our porno
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
