Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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