the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize