I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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