Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
