This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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