I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
