My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
